Here we have a guy who has grossed over a billion dollars in his life. He's married to a supermodel. He is universally revered by all the smiling idiots who don't think and worship with the same organ. He hangs out with celebrities all day.
And we find out that he has had a series of affairs?
Say it ain't so, Tiger!
Here's your first problem, America. He named himself Tiger. And you're saying he's aggressively womanizing? Next thing you're going to tell me that my older girlfriend Cougar isn't in it for the true, unconditional love.
Ok, next up. Now that we're shocked, why do we care? Celebrities have scandals all the time. They seem to basically be designed by God to cheat on their (mostly fake) wives. And frankly, why wouldn't they?
Sure, that sound callous, but here you've got people who literally can have sex with any woman in the world, any time they want (particularly Tiger, who's four word pick up line 'Hi, I'm Tiger Woods' is ranked the #3 most effective in the world, right between 'I can turn water into wine' and 'I just got cast on Jersey Shore).
I think the scandal here is the blind naivete of Elin, who at least should have been open to going to some celebrity swinger parties or something when she vowed her way into this mess.
As far as our damsel in distress goes, are we really allowed to attack people with golf clubs now? I mean, I know I'm not, because I have a penis (last I checked. Yep, it's still there). But I had it floating around somewhere in my mind that full fledged assault with a weapon more often used by mobsters than housewives was, if not a crime, at least frowned upon.
As far as using a golf club to attack the world's best golfer goes, ironic T-shirt web entrepreneurs just started dousing themselves in PBR and taking out loans to buy ecstasy and rave tickets. Can you say cash cow? (I hope so, because they aren't big words).
In the meantime, jealous sportswriters and journalists (separate categories) the world over continue to jealously chide Tiger for his infidelities while simultaneously purging their own text message histories (here's a hint: anyone sending you a sudden uptick in crappy chain mail messages about how blessed life has become probably deserves at least a solid four minutes of water cooler gossip).
Personally, I think everyone missed the real angle here. Tiger Woods has long been lauded for his entirely coincidental racial diversity, which I suppose reflects on his superior character or something. But after a lifetime of being *inhale* Thai, Chinese, Native American, African American, and Dutch (seriously? Dutch?) *exhale*, a man with Tiger's resources and propensity for getting (apparently) every last thing in the world that a man could possibly want, he has to desire a little bit more on top. After all, nobody's really satisfied in this great country, are they?
Nope. At the end of the day, Tiger Woods needed to lay claim to the one thing he couldn't buy: Arab heritage to add to his collection. Motherfucker had to start a harem.
In the end, we've finally settled on an appropriate punishment for this heinous crime against human decency.
Tiger gets to take a year off of work, eschew all his personal and professional responsibilities, and run off to Norway with his supermodel wife and children for some alone time.
Six months, he'll get bored of boning hot Scandinavians and ready to return to the great cultural variety that is the American melting pot (after all, Tiger Woods is pretty much the ultimate American melting pot). So sit your watches kids! This time July (or maybe June if he wants to hurry back for the US Open), we'll be inundated with the TIGER WOODS REDEMPTION TOUR, while women in the 48 continental will be inundated with Tiger sperm and our newly happy couple (smile for the cameras, guys) will be inundated with the hundreds of millions of dollars that such a dramatic comeback will entail.
Fuck writing. I want to be a golfer.
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