Houston Elects Nation's First Lesbian Mayor

For the first time in America, a major US city elects an openly gay or lesbian mayor. This is not a problem: in fact, it's something to be celebrated, a victory on the path towards human decency. Houston, I salute you.

That is not what this post is about.

Now, I have not been to Houston. My roommate is from there, and he says it's nice. All power to them for jumping out front and being leaders on this issue. For all my general environmental angst towards Houston for housing the oil and gas industry (which, I admit, does let me drive and fly all over the country, for which I'm begrudgingly grateful) and my populist angst for gouging poorer Americans on gas during a national crisis, you gotta give props where props are deserved.

Still. It's Houston. It's as Texas as you can get. And while living in Austin has changed my tune on the general Texan stereotype that us Northerners have conjured up of root tootin' cowboys using the bibles in their front pocket to protect their hearts from bullets.

Quite frankly, Texas should not be leading the nation in civil rights reform.

I'm looking at you, West Coast.

First Iowa legalizes gay marriage, and now Texas is propping up a lesbian former activist to run their largest city.

Liberals need to be fucking ashamed right now.

Seriously, San Francisco? You've been parading around flamboyantly for 40 years now, and you've never managed to elect a gay mayor? I suppose in your defense, you were tripping on acid during the last election, which explains how "flying player piano from the future" came away with 12% of the vote.

Los Angeles? You have the full might of Hollywood on your side, for Christ's sake! I'm surprised Sean Penn isn't staging a sit in as we speak!

Seattle. Oh Seattle. I spent two months in your militantly liberal streets this summer, and as far as I could tell, just calling somebody a conservative was considered politically incorrect.

The East Coast deserves some blame in this comedy of liberal failure as well. While I have never visited you, I hear you have a lot of tall buildings, the Liberty Bell, and Jon Stewart. So...get with the program.

It's time to man up liberals. After eight years of bitching about how different everything would be if we were put in charge, we have full power to do whatever the fuck we want.

So far, we've used it to mangle health care reform, make beastiality vs. necrophilia a national debate (I'm Team Edward!), nominate I'm On A Boat for a Grammy, and sneak into the White House for cool photo ops with the Vice President.

It's time to man up, fellow pinkos. I'm issuing an open challenge. First openly liberal city to elect a gay or lesbian mayor gets a shoutout on my blog.

That's right. Dance, monkeys, dance!