Houston Elects Nation's First Lesbian Mayor

For the first time in America, a major US city elects an openly gay or lesbian mayor. This is not a problem: in fact, it's something to be celebrated, a victory on the path towards human decency. Houston, I salute you.

That is not what this post is about.

Now, I have not been to Houston. My roommate is from there, and he says it's nice. All power to them for jumping out front and being leaders on this issue. For all my general environmental angst towards Houston for housing the oil and gas industry (which, I admit, does let me drive and fly all over the country, for which I'm begrudgingly grateful) and my populist angst for gouging poorer Americans on gas during a national crisis, you gotta give props where props are deserved.

Still. It's Houston. It's as Texas as you can get. And while living in Austin has changed my tune on the general Texan stereotype that us Northerners have conjured up of root tootin' cowboys using the bibles in their front pocket to protect their hearts from bullets.

Quite frankly, Texas should not be leading the nation in civil rights reform.

I'm looking at you, West Coast.

First Iowa legalizes gay marriage, and now Texas is propping up a lesbian former activist to run their largest city.

Liberals need to be fucking ashamed right now.

Seriously, San Francisco? You've been parading around flamboyantly for 40 years now, and you've never managed to elect a gay mayor? I suppose in your defense, you were tripping on acid during the last election, which explains how "flying player piano from the future" came away with 12% of the vote.

Los Angeles? You have the full might of Hollywood on your side, for Christ's sake! I'm surprised Sean Penn isn't staging a sit in as we speak!

Seattle. Oh Seattle. I spent two months in your militantly liberal streets this summer, and as far as I could tell, just calling somebody a conservative was considered politically incorrect.

The East Coast deserves some blame in this comedy of liberal failure as well. While I have never visited you, I hear you have a lot of tall buildings, the Liberty Bell, and Jon Stewart. So...get with the program.

It's time to man up liberals. After eight years of bitching about how different everything would be if we were put in charge, we have full power to do whatever the fuck we want.

So far, we've used it to mangle health care reform, make beastiality vs. necrophilia a national debate (I'm Team Edward!), nominate I'm On A Boat for a Grammy, and sneak into the White House for cool photo ops with the Vice President.

It's time to man up, fellow pinkos. I'm issuing an open challenge. First openly liberal city to elect a gay or lesbian mayor gets a shoutout on my blog.

That's right. Dance, monkeys, dance!

Tiger Woods Quits Golf

Ok people. Let's look at this one objectively.

Here we have a guy who has grossed over a billion dollars in his life. He's married to a supermodel. He is universally revered by all the smiling idiots who don't think and worship with the same organ. He hangs out with celebrities all day.

And we find out that he has had a series of affairs?

Say it ain't so, Tiger!

Here's your first problem, America. He named himself Tiger. And you're saying he's aggressively womanizing? Next thing you're going to tell me that my older girlfriend Cougar isn't in it for the true, unconditional love.

Ok, next up. Now that we're shocked, why do we care? Celebrities have scandals all the time. They seem to basically be designed by God to cheat on their (mostly fake) wives. And frankly, why wouldn't they?

Sure, that sound callous, but here you've got people who literally can have sex with any woman in the world, any time they want (particularly Tiger, who's four word pick up line 'Hi, I'm Tiger Woods' is ranked the #3 most effective in the world, right between 'I can turn water into wine' and 'I just got cast on Jersey Shore).

I think the scandal here is the blind naivete of Elin, who at least should have been open to going to some celebrity swinger parties or something when she vowed her way into this mess.

As far as our damsel in distress goes, are we really allowed to attack people with golf clubs now? I mean, I know I'm not, because I have a penis (last I checked. Yep, it's still there). But I had it floating around somewhere in my mind that full fledged assault with a weapon more often used by mobsters than housewives was, if not a crime, at least frowned upon.

As far as using a golf club to attack the world's best golfer goes, ironic T-shirt web entrepreneurs just started dousing themselves in PBR and taking out loans to buy ecstasy and rave tickets. Can you say cash cow? (I hope so, because they aren't big words).

In the meantime, jealous sportswriters and journalists (separate categories) the world over continue to jealously chide Tiger for his infidelities while simultaneously purging their own text message histories (here's a hint: anyone sending you a sudden uptick in crappy chain mail messages about how blessed life has become probably deserves at least a solid four minutes of water cooler gossip).

Personally, I think everyone missed the real angle here. Tiger Woods has long been lauded for his entirely coincidental racial diversity, which I suppose reflects on his superior character or something. But after a lifetime of being *inhale* Thai, Chinese, Native American, African American, and Dutch (seriously? Dutch?) *exhale*, a man with Tiger's resources and propensity for getting (apparently) every last thing in the world that a man could possibly want, he has to desire a little bit more on top. After all, nobody's really satisfied in this great country, are they?

Nope. At the end of the day, Tiger Woods needed to lay claim to the one thing he couldn't buy: Arab heritage to add to his collection. Motherfucker had to start a harem.

In the end, we've finally settled on an appropriate punishment for this heinous crime against human decency.

Tiger gets to take a year off of work, eschew all his personal and professional responsibilities, and run off to Norway with his supermodel wife and children for some alone time.

Six months, he'll get bored of boning hot Scandinavians and ready to return to the great cultural variety that is the American melting pot (after all, Tiger Woods is pretty much the ultimate American melting pot). So sit your watches kids! This time July (or maybe June if he wants to hurry back for the US Open), we'll be inundated with the TIGER WOODS REDEMPTION TOUR, while women in the 48 continental will be inundated with Tiger sperm and our newly happy couple (smile for the cameras, guys) will be inundated with the hundreds of millions of dollars that such a dramatic comeback will entail.

Fuck writing. I want to be a golfer.